Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
