Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize