he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
