I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
