tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
