I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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