bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
