I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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