I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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