You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
