I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I need water and some morals
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize