apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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