I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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