I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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