You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
