is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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