just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
