Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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