Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
