My balls are so social today.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
