Pappa wants mamma naked
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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