I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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