dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
