How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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