If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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