I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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