No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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