by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
