Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
True strength comes from lack of pants
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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