i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
