when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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