I wanna passion pit in your ass
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I didn't notice because vodka
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
