You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
