You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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