And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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