I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
