i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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