Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
