i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize