i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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