Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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