At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
