i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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