a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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