haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
