In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
