I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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