Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
why is half of my head shaved?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
