Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
