So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
