hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
