i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
