I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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