I've blown a few things in my day
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
