Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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