dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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