My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
