my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
