You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
